You know, everyone gets older as the years pass. And perhaps a little fatter, er I mean, wider. And slower.
And as for those pesky birds which fly into my garden and take over, flapping and squawking and generally making a nuisance of themselves around that bird feeder contraption thing, which my mum, er I mean my chief feeder seems to care about...
I just can't be bothered with those birds anymore. I mean it's boring, really, what they get up to.
So I let them think that they can take over my garden.
But we all know that I'm still in charge.
And then there's that time I hurt my leg. All I was doing was jumping off a bed to go and chase those pesky birds.
Suddenly there was this pain in my leg, which started off a whole chain of events.
Principally they were designed to torture me.
Like going to that strange-smelling place, where someone pokes you and looks into your eyes and feels your stomach, and just when you think you can relax, they put something into your back end where the sun doesn't shine! Apparently they can tell your temperature from that!
Anyhow this seemed to result in all sorts of things that I'd rather not remember too vividly. It involved being left in a small cage at that same strange-smelling place, then being given something that makes you sleep really deeply, then waking up in pain with cut marks and stitches on my leg.
But that wasn't the worst of it.
The worst was someone had put this white round plastic thingamabob around my face. And they expected me to just put up with it!
I mean, would you?
So there I was, with this thing around my face, and my humans put it on me every morning for days (thank goodness they had the sense not to make me sleep with it on)..
I mean, the presumptuousness of it all. And they also thought it was okay to make me go into the garden to do my business with that thing on....
As if I was going to go, in front of the pesky birds, with that thing on! The indignity of it all.
Anyhow thankfully they took it away eventually, and my leg sort of got better.
But I'd just like to be clear: I'm not doing that again.
And I'm still in charge. Even when I'm all snuggled up.
Got to go now - got lots of sleeping to do.
Jessie the Jack Russell
Alpha Dog of the Pack
I'm not sure if I love it or hate it, but when my family gets out the Hoover (they call it a "vacuum cleaner" - but I know it's really a living, breathing, dangerous monster, they can't fool me) - it's time for action.
Initially when I see my pack leader uncoiling that snake-like, long black thing and pushing it into the wall, I have to admit I get a little scared, and try to jump up onto her lap. At least if she holds me in her arms while the monster screech-whines and seeks out its victims, I'll be well out of the way. But for some reason, my pack leader pats me and says soothing words (at first), but she never picks me up. She's too focussed on giving attention to the titan.
So I usually resort then to 'Plan B'. As soon as her hand reaches anywhere near the big red switch thing, and the vile monster launches into that terrifying growl-scream that just goes on and on, I start barking at it. Really barking, cos I've got to show it who's boss. I mean, what's a little dog to do? I'm not simply going to stand by and let that miscreant a.) take over and help itself to anything or anyone in my den, or b.) lunge at me and end up feasting on Jack Russell - not me!
And as if that weren't torture enough, that's not the only degenerate that penetrates our environment and shatters our peaceful human and dog co-existence. There are three, yes, three small but nonetheless powerful and noisy Hair-Dryer monsters, one outdoors and greedy Lawn-Mower monster, and some smaller and silent, but just as deadly, Broom and Mop monsters, in this house.
My humans just don't seem to appreciate the danger. And they definitely don't appreciate how I'm the only one to stand my ground and defend us against these horrible beasts. They usually shout at me to stop barking. I've learnt to feign nonchalance at the smaller Hair-Dryer mutants, and even that garden-bound Lawn-Mower monstrosity - but secretly keep a very careful watch on them. Can't have these household terrorists thinking I've let down my guard, not for one minute.
But I draw the line at those Hoover, Broom and Mop cleaning corruptions that completely take over my space. Especially when they have the nerve to go near me, or my food bowl. I will attack in these situations, I will not compromise. I launch at them, barking, and I will bite at them if provoked. They need to know who's in charge! They will not win!
So Hoovers, Brooms, Mops, and other vicious brutes that have deceptively crept into our dens, pretending to be 'cleaners' - BEWARE and be afraid: us Jack Russells are onto you!
Jessie the Jack Russell
Captain, Chief and Commander in Charge of this Den
The thing is, when you're a small dog like me, running around people's feet, they just don't always even notice you.
So you gotta do some things to get your own way. Jack Russells and other dogs: take note - this post is all about how I influence my people to do what I want.
Firstly: Food. The most important thing in the whole wide world.
Humans have got this really dumb idea that we dogs should eat really boring dog food out of a dog bowl on the ground (I mean would humans really eat the dry coloured powdery balls that they give us?) - while they get to eat all the really interesting, nice smelling, different types of food, up high on tables, out of reach from us dogs. So here's what I do to manipulate my humans to give me their food. They're still really mean and only give me scraps when they're finished, but hey, anything's better than those ball things....
Trick 1: Choose your human that is most easily manipulated. You'll know because they're the one looking at you more than the others do. Simply stare really intently at your chosen human, with your ears cocked and a doey look in your eyes. If that doesn't quite do it, raise a paw and cock your head to one side. And hey presto, they'll say something like "aaaahhhh" and give you human food. Bingo!
Secondly: Play and Attention. While we dogs like to occupy our brains and do stuff, humans do these really dumb things like stare at a little rectangular thing in their hands for hours, or stare at a big noisy and flashy rectangular thing in the corner of the living room, for hours.
So we dogs gotta attract their attention somehow, to get them to play with us or notice us.
Trick 2: Pretend you're busting for the toilet and jump up and down, at the door, just like you do when you desperately need to go outside. When your human gets up to let you out, abandon the toilet idea and simply start playing with them - chase them, bark at them, run around their legs, and so on. Repeat 15 times if necessary. If they don't get it then, they never will.
Thirdly: Walking and Going Out. Humans seem to think we dogs are content to just lie around all day in their house, doing nothing we dogs were meant to do - like chase butterflies, run through fields, and bark at helicopters.
Well, humans, take note, we want to get out and about - EVERY DAY! So dogs, we got to use some tricks to make this happen.
Trick 3: Lie around, looking really depressed. Whenever humans walk about or get up to do something, jump up and look really perky and interested, like they're about to take you out for a walk. If they don't, then look really, really disappointed, sigh loudly and lie down again. Repeat 13 times if necessary. Emphasize by running wildly at the door whenever there's a noise or a person, like the postman, or birds in the garden. Your humans should get the idea eventually and take you out.
The common feature with all these tricks is to make your humans feel guilty - an emotion we dogs don't waste time with.
But humans can be made to feel really, really bad, and then they'll do what you want.
It might take some effort on our part, because some humans are a little distracted with their own stuff, but hey, it's worth it for us dogs.
Here's to a dog's life!
Jessie the Jack Russell
* With apologies to Dale Carnegie (I don't think my owners have even read this!)
So there I was taking my owner for a walk yesterday, when I came across two dogs who were simply not upholding the dog code.
I was walking very properly along the pavement, pulling my owner along, when another dog taking his owner for a walk on the opposite pavement (I can only assume it must have been a 'he' because of his silly behaviour!), spotted me.
Now normally us dogs do like to check each other out. I mean we need to know who we are, what we're doing, and why. Not like you humans who are much more reserved with these types of things. For example, you humans don't sniff each other, and I don't know why - after all, you get so much information in just one sniff. We like to drag our owners up to the other dog, and sniff all over - especially both ends - and sometimes invite play (although that doesn't always go down well), while the owners are forced to do small talk.
But this dog was simply showing off. First he was doing all sorts of tricks, standing up on his back legs and taking the lead in his mouth and stuff - and then when he saw me, he went crazy. Pulling on his lead, trying to dash over the road at me, looking all excited.
But I wasn't that impressed. I mean he had an elongated body and short legs. Obviously a mixture of breeds, and I couldn't even tell which breeds. And it turns out he was only doing tricks because his owner had snacks he was giving him everythime he did one. I must say I did get a little more interested in dashing over there when I spotted the snacks, but my owner held me back from running across the road in front of cars. Damn.
Anyhow, speaking of elongated bodies, the next dog we bumped into was a sausage dog. There I was, trying to run up a slight hill next to a field, pulling my owner behind me, but she seemed a little slow and breathless - can't think why.
Even her two owners weren't impressed with her - they told her off sternly, and seemed slightly embarrassed, saying something like "tsk, tsk, sorry about that", all sheepish like, to my owner.
Honestly, you just can't take some dogs anywhere!
Naturally, I always follow the dog code and behave impeccably (other than the times I bark and fight and act all silly, of course).
Jessie the Jack Russell